{"id":329,"date":"2023-01-20T00:01:40","date_gmt":"2023-01-20T00:01:40","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/vitalmeaning.com\/?p=329"},"modified":"2023-01-20T00:01:41","modified_gmt":"2023-01-20T00:01:41","slug":"geillustreerd-zelfvernietigend-gedrag","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/vitalmeaning.com\/nl\/geillustreerd-zelfvernietigend-gedrag\/","title":{"rendered":"Zelfvernietigend gedrag ge\u00efllustreerd"},"content":{"rendered":"

Ik chat momenteel met een vrouw (in een dating context), die naamloos moet blijven. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Aangezien ik momenteel in Australi\u00eb reis en zij in Duitsland is, heb ik haar nog niet kunnen ontmoeten. We hebben af en toe geschreven, en het bleek dat ze in mij ge\u00efnteresseerd is. Ik kwam ook te weten dat ze bang is voor afwijzing, en niet wil dat mannen tegen haar liegen. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Omdat ik haar nog niet ontmoet heb, en niet zeker weet of we in persoon zullen resoneren, heb ik besloten haar mee te delen dat we nog niet exclusief zijn (ze had het erover dat ik haar crush was - waardoor ik dacht dat ze op een ander niveau van verbintenis zit!). Dit werd ook gedaan, als ik 100 % eerlijk ben, als een afwijzende zelfverdediging tegen te veel nabijheid met haar. Dat is een kwestie waar ik aan zal blijven werken. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ze schreef dat ze dat niet leuk vindt. En haar communicatiegedrag veranderde daarna - ze reageerde niet op sommige berichten die ik haar stuurde. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ik herkende dat er iets aan de hand was, en schreef haar. Ze zegt dat ze niet \"in een competitie wil zitten\". Ze zei ook \"behandel me niet alsof ik de 1e plaats moet winnen om je te zien\". <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Onmiddellijk zag ik dat dit komt door een aantal kernwonden van haar. Ik gaf geenszins aan dat zij \"de 1e plaats moet winnen\". In feite ben ik in ieder geval blij om haar (een keer) te ontmoeten! Ik ben erg flexibel wat betreft de eerste date - en heb een aantal positieve verrassingen gehad met vrouwen waar ik niet veel van verwachtte. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Het is waar, er zijn veel vrouwen en mannen. Maar de meeste van hen passen niet - wat ik haar probeerde uit te leggen - omdat ze niet het soort persoonlijkheid hebben dat met mij, of haar, zal resoneren. Het is geen wedstrijd - het is een zoektocht naar een goede pasvorm<\/strong>! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ze reageert overdreven op mijn eerlijkheid (ik geef toe dat die gewapend was, maar toch eerlijk - ik had al een date toen ik hier in Australi\u00eb was, en een tweede date is morgen gepland). We hebben nog geen enkele date gehad - we hebben alleen maar ge-sms't. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ik heb haar een aanbod gedaan dat we op een date gaan, en als we resoneren kunnen we op de tweede date bespreken wat we nodig hebben om elkaar te blijven zien. Ze heeft de berichten gelezen, maar niet beantwoord. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ik heb een compromis aangeboden. Doordat ze bang is voor afwijzing - en niet op een kwetsbare manier over de onzekerheden praat, vraagt wat ze nodig heeft, etc - maakt ze het zichzelf moeilijker. Ik ben al begonnen haar reactie op mijn communicatie te beoordelen, en projecteer dat op een toekomstig leven samen - ik heb geleerd dat terugtrekken uit problemen van de vrouw in wie ik ge\u00efnteresseerd ben, de communicatie veel moeilijker maakt. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Haar angst drijft haar ertoe zich van mij los te maken. Haar angst om afgewezen te worden, de acties die ze onderneemt om met die angst om te gaan, vergroten juist de kans om afgewezen te worden!<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ik weet niet zeker of het klikt op de eerste date - of dat we zelfs op de eerste date gaan. Ik weet alleen \u00e9\u00e9n ding - dat is dat ik zal blijven zoeken naar oplossingen en compromissen die rekening houden met wat ik nodig heb. En ik moet meer vrouwen zien, om degene te vinden met wie ik echt resoneer - ik wil mijn aanpak niet veranderen om iemands onzekerheden op te lossen. Ik ben wel bereid om over compromissen te praten. Of om verder te gaan met haar - wat er dan toe zou leiden dat haar angst wordt gerealiseerd ... <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ik geef om haar als een medemens, maar er is nog geen band met haar ontstaan. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Btw. De ironie is dat het misschien ook zelfvernietigend gedrag is van mijn kant - waar ik ervoor heb gekozen om gewapende eerlijke communicatie te gebruiken - waardoor ze 180\u00b0 draait van mij als haar crush naar haar als koud en afstandelijk; daarmee ook mijn eigen kansen saboterend om haar in het bijzonder te ontmoeten. Ik zal doorgaan met emotionele verwerking wanneer een dergelijke situatie zich de volgende keer voordoet. Op dit moment heb ik niet het verlangen om haar weg te duwen. Het is belangrijk dat ik me daarvan bewust ben en het verwerk - ik heb het gevoel dat de afwijzende kant soms logischer is dan de angstige, en dat maakt het gevaarlijker om ermee om te gaan.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Foto door Alexandru Zdrob\u0103u<\/a> op Unsplash<\/a><\/em><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I am currently chatting with a woman (in a dating context), who must remain unnamed. As I am currently travelling in Australia, and she is in Germany, I have not been able to meet with her yet. We have been writing on and off, and it transpired that she is interested in me. 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