The difference between active and passive acceptance

People often get used to situations, and prefer things to stay the same. However, life is dynamic – nothing stays the same … relationships, people, situations, jobs evolve.

In life, it is important to be accepting of situations, people, life in general.

Only if we accept a situation as it is, we will be able to do something about it, instead of thinking how we can change it (back).

I know this very well myself. I have been raging against a situation with a business partner, not accepting some changes in their policy. Seeing the developments, even understanding what drives these developments … but resisting, wanting things to stay the same, and my interests to be treated equally to theirs.

I am currently attending a wonderful online breath workshop by the Art of Living. Besides breathing techniques, we were also given some inspiring thoughts.

One touched me in particular: the difference between active and passive acceptance.

If we accept (no pun intended) that we need to accept things as they are, instead of resisting them, does that mean that we simply don’t take ourselves into consideration?

No: That would be passive acceptance.

Imagine the following situation: you see a thief coming, intending to rob your house.

Passive acceptance would be to open the door, and hand everything over to the thief.

Active acceptance, however, would be to accept that the thief is coming, and to (respectfully) act in our own best interest – to call the police, possibly to lock the door, hide the valuables. Maybe even leave the house, to avoid violence.

I put the respectfully in there, to remind us that we should always aim to balance our interest with that of others.

Even if we find that someone, a business partner, for example, does not balance their interest with that of others – we still can do this from our side.

Not because it’s fair this way, but because of who we become if we don’t do it.

Instead of wishing / forcing / nudging the other side to balance their interest more, once they are aware of the situation but choose not to move, we are left with active acceptance.

Active acceptance in this case might mean to accept the business relationship as having crossed the zenith, and it being a call to build new business relationships. Of accepting that the other party might not wish for further input, but would like to continue on their course. A course which might be the only way to survive from their perspective, therefore blinding them to other parties’ needs.

Resisting would look like me trying to convince them, and continuing to escalate, that “their path is wrong” and they need to mend their ways back to how it had been.

Passive acceptance would look like accepting everything they do, without questioning it, without thinking whether this continues to be a good deal for me and my company.

Today, I choose active acceptance. No more resisting, no more fighting. Respect of their decisions, even if it means that I have to adjust some decisions myself, and have additional work of looking for new partners. Active acceptance means I take control back over my life, and continue to influence the things I can influence.

Active acceptance and dating avoidant people

Active acceptance is especially important when dating avoidants. I have had the pleasure of interacting with such a woman on a trip to South America. I think her attachment style is fearful avoidant. It shows in how we got close on the one hand, how she was pushing me away on the other hand. Including a (second) rejection to get into a relationship.

Instead of trying to change her, or adjust myself … I should just understand that she is not ready to have a relationship with me. (Other people do not need to be involved for this, it does not matter if she is ready for a relationship with someone else!) Even if there are signs of interest, there are even stronger signs of rejection.

Resisting this situation might look like trying to educate her about attachment styles, trying to demonstrate the high value I have; trying to consume even more literature and YouTube videos (I have done this in the past!) to find a magic bullet, which would allow us to connect. Writing her love poems on Valentine’s day. Experimenting with giving her space, connecting, reaching out, waiting for her to reach out, etc.

Passively accepting this might mean waiting for her to change her mind, not dating anyone else. I’ve done this in the past – focused on a choice of avoidant women, or women who were plain not interested in me (not everyone appreciates the way I look, my thoughts, my behaviors, …)

Active acceptance in this situation means: I continue to date – other women. I accept a friendship between us, I tone down the romantic messages (which she does not react to anyways). I stop daydreaming about her. Even though we have a great connection in some ways, I accept the connection as what it is – and that it needs nurturing from both sides to blossom into a romantic relationship. Something I will be looking for with other women.

Here’s the perfect song to listen to for this active acceptance with an avoidant: Walking away by Atthis Alcedo.

Life can be easier with acceptance – if we accept that situations and things are as they are (in the current moment, as they will naturally change over time), and that sometimes such situations are not a fit, we can life a much richer, fuller life. Conserving our valuable life energy for the things which do resonate, and fit – for the time they do. Because … nothing stays the same forever, including ourselves.

Photo by Christian Lue on Unsplash