I had only one girlfriend so far, and we broke up because of a teddy bear. That is exaggerating of course, there were other issues, but the teddy was a symbol. The story goes like this: we met, dated, had sex. I started to withdraw, and she started to become increasingly stressed because of this. …
Historically, I have an FA attachment style – fearful avoidant. The FA has two sides to them: an anxious side, which goes into activation when the partner pulls away (for example if the partner is a dismissive avoidant who takes space), and a dismissive side, which deactivates. How does deactivation look like? For me, deactivation …
“If I could just get them to open up a little more”. “They are always so distant” or “They are always all over me, can’t they leave me alone?” It seems that, if only this other person would change, the world would turn into rainbows and sunshine for you. You would magically achieve all your …
To achieve my goal I need the other person to change Read More »
You’ve maybe heard it said before: “You can’t date people’s potential, you need to date them as they are”. A great and true quote. To help you grasp the real meaning of this: People can indeed become anything. And yes, people are born as blank slates on which experiences and possibly a deal of random …
Potential to be a mass-murderer or a great lover Read More »
I am a member of the Personal Development School, and also of it’s official Facebook group. Different members post about their lives and relationships. A story which someone posted today (which I will not retell, to respect their privacy!) reminded me of my own situation. A situation, in which I am with “my” DA love …
While we were talking face to face, I noticed that my brother had some crumbs on his lips. I reached out to remove them (without really thinking about it). And my brother instinctively withdrew back. I explained that there are some crumbs I wanted to remove. At that moment I had an insight: my brother …
There’s a trick to making all your dishes, cutlery etc. dishwasher-safe: you just treat everything as if it were dishwasher-safe, and discard the items which are not. Eventually, everything you own will be dishwasher-safe. How about applying this to friendships and relationships? You know you need certain things from people. For example to respect your …
I’ve had another one of these insights. We all want to achieve certain goals, and essentially control our emotions. Some people use direct methods to do this – for example by setting boundaries, and dissociating from people who disrespect the boundaries. (Thereby essentially setting a harder boundary). And associating with people who are safe & …
Yesterday I had a job applicant in, who is openly very enthusiastic about joining, and really wants to make a good impression. He’s offered to do extra services and help with other things beside the company as well. I find myself resisting his application & interest in the position. Looking for problems, actually. I tell …
I am currently working on the “Perfectionism” course by Thais Gibson. She recommends to inquire, whether the particular thing we are trying to control is actually within our reasonable control. And if not, to stop trying to control it – and surrender to the outcome. As driven, perfectionistic people, we might feel that “nothing is …
English 
Deutsch 
Italiano 
Français 
Español 
Nederlands 
Svenska 
简体中文 
日本語