self defeating behaviors Archives

Unlocking the Emotional Brain: Memory Reconsolidation in Psychotherapy

Leave a Comment / books, neural networks & the brain, paradigm shifts, self defeating behaviors, skills, tools for emotional work / Max

This book, “Unlocking the Emotional Brain: Memory Reconsolidation and the Psychotherapy of Transformational Change” penned by Bruce Ecker, Robin Ticic and Laurel Hulley came to me in an unusual way: My girlfriend said a guy she had dated before our relationship recommended it to her. This guy was growth-oriented, and naturally curious, I dove in. […]

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The danger of paying salaries based on your own emotional state

Leave a Comment / business, self defeating behaviors, tools for emotional work / Max

My emotions show that “X doesn’t deserve more pay” me earlier today The request A colleague approached me about a salary increase a couple of weeks back. She is a key colleague for me, someone who has a lot of responsibilities in my company. Someone who really matters, her leaving could disrupt my operation significantly

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How does deactivation look like?

Leave a Comment / dating, emotionally unavailable women, self defeating behaviors / Max

Last Saturday, I was on a fantastic date. The backstory I matched this woman, let’s call her Samantha, on Bumble. I had not been too enthusiastic about Samantha initially – we had had two video dates, and had texted nearly every day before our in-real-life date. In the two video dates, both times she brought

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The power of explicit communication

1 Comment / boundaries, relationships, self defeating behaviors / Max

I had only one girlfriend so far, and we broke up because of a teddy bear. That is exaggerating of course, there were other issues, but the teddy was a symbol. The story goes like this: we met, dated, had sex. I started to withdraw, and she started to become increasingly stressed because of this.

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Don’t pay prices other people should be paying

1 Comment / boundaries, self defeating behaviors / Max

When you go shopping with your friends, do you pay for their groceries? Maybe once in a while, but not all the time, right? Sometimes we end up “paying for the groceries” for important people in our lives. And someone who doesn’t pay for the groceries themselves will not see their value as directly and

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Self defeating behavior illustrated

1 Comment / boundaries, dating, self defeating behaviors / Max

I am currently chatting with a woman (in a dating context), who must remain unnamed. As I am currently travelling in Australia, and she is in Germany, I have not been able to meet with her yet. We have been writing on and off, and it transpired that she is interested in me. I also

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The power of the subconscious mind: two quick examples from the hospital

Leave a Comment / neural networks & the brain, self defeating behaviors / Max

Yesterday my father had an accident. We went to the hospital to see him. While we were waiting, a person (another emergency patient) approached us. He said that we should give up hope to be seen in time. He said he would probably loose a leg, due to some wound which had to be operated

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Barking up the wrong tree? About worth

Leave a Comment / dating, self defeating behaviors / Max

There is no such thing as “absolute worth” – but always relative worth. Yes, to people who reject us we are not “worth” a lot. Because they have different needs, and their needs drive their perception of worth. To someone who is hungry and in the desert, gold is not worth anything. To someone who

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Which lock will your key fit in?

Leave a Comment / self defeating behaviors / Max

Some people, including myself, get upset if their key (the way they are) does not fit in a particular lock: their romantic advances are spurned by the person of their desire. Locks and keys are “made for each other”, and there are only certain locks which will fit with certain keys. No matter how attractive

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Anxiety is stronger than you think

Leave a Comment / self defeating behaviors / Max

I believe that anxiety fundamentally underlies many human interactions. And different people have learned their own individual coping mechanisms. Which manifest as avoidance or hyperactivation. All these coping mechanisms serve to minimize anxiety, which is perceived as threatening. Possibly anxiety is the body’s mapping to threats which it perceives as potentially lethal. It is it’s

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