Upset about distance? Do golden shadow work

The woman I love is the greatest teacher to me.

She withdraws from me. I start obsessing about how to “win her”, how to “convince her to build a relationship with me.” Yes, we’re kind of stuck in the “friends or more?” stage. I’m getting mixed signals from her, and am confused.

I had been rushing around & obsessing, reading about dismissive avoidants, attachment styles, counterdependents, obsessive personalities, etc. – trying to understand her, to find the “magic key” which would finally make her see my love, etc. Trying to control the situation by finding the solution, to make both of us happy. Does this sound familiar?

You see, she is aware of my devotion to her & me caring about her. She does not need further proofs.

She needs less pressure.

Before yesterday, I was thinking that it is she who needs to give me a real chance. And I need to “convince” her, somehow. I need to “make her see the light”.

Yesterday I came up with the idea that it is I who has to give us a real chance. That was a good thought to have, and a paradigm shift.

Less pressure on my beloved

She needs less pressure.

I’ve been patient & have been treating her very well, have been accepting when she withdraws, etc.

This in turn increased the internal pressure in me, the pressure to move things forward somehow, even with “less pressure on her”.

I’m constantly worried about “being too much” (still), about annoying her, about not saying the right things, …

Do you see how the pressure on her is still there?

Today, I had an additional insight.

I need to remove the pressure on myself, in order to remove the pressure on her.

Less pressure on myself

The honest reason we fall in love with people is that they are a good match for our subconscious, and promise (implicitly) to fulfill many needs we have.

E.g. with my beloved, it is things like her sense of adventure, travelling, living and enjoying her life. This is the promise to me, “if I can just convince her to become my girlfriend, I will have all of these things”.

And this is the source of the pressure! I desperately crave these things, and she seems “the best solution” for them.

Yes, I really like her as a human being. Yes, I love her for herself, I have a lot of compassion for her, she is sweet and very sexy.

But the pressure, the pressure on myself to “get her”, and the emotional roller coaster is due to me not meeting my own needs on my own – and waiting on her to meet them.

I am desperate, and that makes it much more difficult for me to show up in the best way for her, the way she deserves me to show up.

Golden Shadow work

Another wonderful thing I have learned from Thais Gibson’s Shadow Work: how to overcome your feelings of unworthiness course is the golden shadow work.

It is based on work by Carl Gustav Jung. Briefly, we are projecting traits we actually have ourselves, but suppress, on other people, and experience intense positive feelings for them.

I’ve actually gone through the Shadow Work course, and I have identified the traits which I find very appealing in the woman I love. (If you are interested in the way this is done, I recommend to join Thais’ Personality Development School – she has a free trial).

But I’ve not done much about putting these traits into my life actively; instead I’ve gone down the same rabbit hole of “trying to find a solution with her”.

Now, this is a reminder to myself – I need to focus on myself and my needs. And I need to find ways – which do not involve my beloved! – to meet these needs. Once they are met, I will be much more relaxed.

I will, then, give us a real chance. It is in my hands, the solution lies with me and my life and not with her.

The banquet

Imagine, you’re seriously starving, and you are invited to join a banquet – you might not bring your best table manners, as all you want, and all you have on your mind is to fill your belly as soon as possible.

If, on the other hand, food is plentiful, and always available, then you will be more mindful of the table manners, able to enjoy the music at the banquet, the dancers, the decoration, and make nice conversation with the other guests.

This is what I’m going to do now, with the remainder of this year – I am going to go back to the notes of the golden shadow work I’ve done, and I’m focusing on meeting my needs and making time for them.

No more reading about attachment styles for now, trying to find “the solution to her problem” – she will do what is best for her. And if I do what is best for me, now, there will be zero pressure on her “to get with me because I need her”.

There will only be an invitation to her, “to become my girlfriend because I care deeply about her, and I want to bring joy into her life”.