Real-time shadow processing defense technique (protection against unjust criticism)

During one of my father’s emotional outbursts with criticism towards me I discovered a very effective technique to protect one’s own emotions (and vulnerability) against unjust criticism.

The idea is to apply real-time shadow processing from the other person’s perspective.

If they are triggered by something, it is referring to something within them.

e.g. if I’m being charged as being insensitive, egoistic, etc. – this is my father saying: “I project my egoism on you, I project how I am insensitive on you, and it triggers me”.

I managed to be quite calm during this session, and not get emotionally triggered myself.

I realized that behind this outburst of his is pain; and unmet needs which he is not able to communicate in a different manner.

Although he claimed that he doesn’t care if I leave the discussion (which I had wanted to, as I was tired & didn’t want to get involved in discussions about a legal case which my family had lost) – I realized that the “right” thing (lessening the damage / strain on the relationship) would be to stay.

So I stayed, and managed to engage in a civil discussion at some point and diffuse the tension.

The interactions with my father got me interested in psychology and reading up about human relationships. To keep safe, but I see that these skills are really very beneficial in all other areas of my life, too (e.g. business).

Here’s also a transaction which I had with a person who replied to an ad which we had posted, looking for a new employee to package orders:

(him) “The salary is ridiculous”

(me) “Thank you for your feedback and good luck with your job search”

(him) “I’m an employeed master painter, earning 4000 € gross per month”

The salary in question (which I’m prepared to pay) had been 1800 € gross per month. Initially I had assumed that he was looking for a job, and wanted to be employed by us, but was needing a bigger salary (sour grapes policy). Now my thoughts have switched to him possibly wanting social justice, high salaries for all, etc. – I replied that I’m happy that he has this salary, and asked what prompted him to write the initial message.

Maybe there is an interesting reason behind it.

Maybe it’s a projection of him feeling unworthy of the salary he’s currently getting.

Not taking things as personal attacks (even if they are meant as such, because it’s the only tool the other person has) allows us to deescalate the situation, and find out more. Maybe more to disengage, maybe interesting insights.

Plus, it’s also fun because these personal attacks are meant to shift your mood off balance, and possibly to get an emotional reaction out of you. That is WHY the other person is using this tool – they have learned that this is something that works. (poor bastards)

If you reply very differently, and are able to deflect these personal attacks as something which the other person is actually saying about themselves, you’ll be able to actually get their message about the pain they are experiencing, and react constructively to something which is used in a destructive fashion by this other person.

You’ll be happier, and more relaxed – and that’s what counts.

It is their pain, not yours – but you can understand in which way the situation with you triggered them. Not all people have good intrapersonal skills. Not everyone managed to be in an environment where they could pick these up. These things are learned – and the counterproductive criticism / personal attacks are also learned.

P.S. this person answered to my question what motivated him to write to me somewhat cryptically “jeder wie er es verdient” ( to each what he deserves / earns).