Hearing the “no” in the “maybe”

When we are in love with someone, we focus on the “yes” in the “maybe”.

Today, for me, it is time to hear the “no”, as well.

My love interest and me, we have a cycle which runs as follows:

• she apologizes for the long delay in which I didn’t hear from her (during which I gave her space)
• we start to interact again – I send her some pictures sometimes, we chat about different things, I try to keep it mostly light
• maybe I ask her for a catch up on the phone (she lives in the US, I live in Germany so we don’t normally see each other)
• she might even say, “Sure, suggest a time”
• I suggest a time
• I don’t hear from her – maybe she reads the last message, maybe she doesn’t (leaves it on unread)
• I give her space

Today, I was feeling down about this once again, and went to visit the grave of my grandparents. Nothing like a graveyard to remind you that all issues and problems are relative, and that life is very short …

On the way there, I came up with an idea, which I would like to share here today:

She can’t feel love in the way I present it to her, because she never learned it to.

When she withdraws, it genuinely is because she perceives my actions as negative / threatening / sees more downsides in my behavior.

There is nothing I can do (nothing which she has communicated to me anyways) to change that: It is a perception issue on her side.

By her behavior she shows me that she doesn’t need “more of that”. No – she withdraws, she stonewalls me. She shows me, that this is not good for her.

And this is the “no” I am speaking about. It is not expressed in words (although she had refused a birthday present from me) – it is expressed in actions.

Even as she is conflicted about it, and is sending me mixed messages (smileys with hearts, etc.) – this is a strong no from her side.

A no maybe based on her traumatic past, but a no which I need to listen to and which I need to respect.

Because nothing is going to change, and I & my love don’t fit the lock which will “open her heart”. Sad, but true.

If you are in a similar situation, I suggest for you to see if it is a pattern – or a one-time thing. If it is a cyclical pattern of withdrawal, then maybe your love interest also has a “no” within their maybe, and they need to do work on their side before it becomes a strong yes.

I am now planning to bring this issue up with her, when she once again restarts our cycle, to be fair to myself, and to stop being a threat to her.

I will offer her friendship only, until it becomes a strong “yes” on her side.

I plan to start to date other women again, once this offer has been made to her.