Insecure attachment styles and control

I’ve had another one of these insights.

We all want to achieve certain goals, and essentially control our emotions. Some people use direct methods to do this – for example by setting boundaries, and dissociating from people who disrespect the boundaries. (Thereby essentially setting a harder boundary). And associating with people who are safe & provide consistent love (because they are intrinsically capable to).

Other people have learned in their childhoods that it is not safe to set boundaries. That boundaries will be ignored. Or possibly, that other people when they get too close will overwhelm them. So they withdraw (dismissive avoidants) – and control the closeness and their anxiety which this closeness causes by withdrawing.

Others have learned that they need to be extremely agressive and manipulative in securing the other people’s attentions. My (only so far) ex-girlfriend has tried to make me jealous, for example. It didn’t work the way she intended … (anxious attachment). They also try to control the closeness.

Essentially all this is about control.

And not control of the other person, as you might naively assume.

This is about control of our own emotional states.

Realizing this actually makes it easier to let go.

Let go of situations which no longer serve us (as Thais would put it).

Come on, slip into something more comfortable. Let go of what you can’t control anyways – another person. Choose to see the situation as it is. Let your fears rest. They have had their say, now we must look onwards.


And don’t forget about boundaries – the real control you have.

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