Is it reasonable to try and control this?

I am currently working on the “Perfectionism” course by Thais Gibson. She recommends to inquire, whether the particular thing we are trying to control is actually within our reasonable control. And if not, to stop trying to control it – and surrender to the outcome.

As driven, perfectionistic people, we might feel that “nothing is impossible”, and try to resolve relationships with other people.

Repeatedly failing, and searching for new ways to “make it work”.

For example, the woman I have feelings for is withdrawing – and I’m left wondering, if it’s me who is doing something wrong, what I should change, and how to “get the information from her what I need to adjust”.

Leaving aside for a moment that the problem might not be on my side at all (I am behaving in a very reasonable way, patient, friendly etc).

Still my thought is: “If I only knew what it is, I could change & improve / fix things”.

But is it something I can control?

Is actually KNOWING what it is something I can control?

If she doesn’t want to share with me of her own accord, and work towards building a relationship, is this something I can control?

No. This is beyond my reasonable control. She knows that I am interested. I have thus done my part.

I have also asked, whether giving her space when she withdraws is the right thing to do (she didn’t answer).

So, the only thing left to do for me is to surrender.

To surrender, and start meeting my needs in a different way than through a fantasy relationship.