To achieve my goal I need the other person to change

“If I could just get them to open up a little more”.

“They are always so distant” or “They are always all over me, can’t they leave me alone?”

It seems that, if only this other person would change, the world would turn into rainbows and sunshine for you. You would magically achieve all your goals.


Remember: these are your goals, not the goals of the other person. So they will only change to achieve their own goals.

If your goals happen to coincide with their goals – then the magic will happen.

Otherwise, if you somehow manage to coerce, cajole, convince them into changing, there will be resentment. And lack of follow-through. Upset on both sides.

The change is within

The change needs to happen within you. Instead of wanting to change the other person (“my DA needs to learn to get closer”) ask yourself: what goal are you trying to achieve? What tools are you using for this purpose?

Trying to change other people is a very ineffective tool. It is not your responsibility, and in most cases it’s impossible to change other people effectively.

Remember: they have gone through their own life experience, and the choices they make, the reasons behind them are built on the logic of their experience.

It’s not possible to directly transfer your experience and make it real for them. They can resonate with you only insofar they also have gone through similar experiences.

For my friends with control issues

Do you soothe by taking control of a situation? Or do you feel that exerting maximum control on a situation will help to manage it and protect you?

Time to let go. This is an ineffective “hammer” which can shatter delicate relationships.

No one likes to be controlled (except the BDSM folks I guess). Yes, people want to be led, but they don’t want to be constrained beyond a certain point.

If you overdo control, you will actually loose control. That’s the nature of the game, folks!

Photo by Piotr Wilk on Unsplash

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *