What is emotional safety?

I’ve started today, on a whim, to compile a list of “top things I would like to see in a girlfriend”.

At the very top of my list is “emotional safety”.

I then tried to formulate what I mean by “emotional safety”.

And this definition is what I came up with:

When she is in pain, she should not want to cause me pain, but rather look to resolve the pain

All the classic arguments, etc. we see in movies – they stem from one person being in pain. But instead of communicating about their pain and the reasons for that, they make it worse by causing pain to the other person. As such, the other person will actually see the person with pain as a source of pain themselves, and try to withdraw or react, to ease their pain.

Communication is key, as always.

An example of how not to do it

I only had one very brief relationship in my life so far: Lucia.

I went to India during the relationship, and found myself wanting to distance myself from her (“I’ll find someone better, …”).

I am not proud of that, but that’s the way my mind ran – I think at the root of it is the desire to self-protect from all romantic relationships.

In any case, I did pick up a present for her in India – a teddy bear holding a heart in it’s hands.

I wanted to give it to her on Valentine’s day.

To tease her about it, when we were Skyping later (I had returned to Germany at that point), I told her that the present is in the small bag.

She guessed correctly what it was and actually became upset about it and said: “All you are giving me for Valentine’s is a small teddy bear?!?”

She had wanted a Saree (but not asked me directly for it!), and was disappointed that I didn’t bring one along with me for her.

If she had asked me to bring her a Saree, I would have. (The only way I could have guessed is because once she said “I like Sarees”).

BTW. while writing this, it is also a good reminder for MYSELF to communicate very directly to other people what I need / what I would like. To at least give them the opportunity to meet my need, instead of them perceving things just as random information I share.

emotional safety and requests

In the case of my ex-girlfriend Lucia, she was disappointed that I had “only brought a small teddy-bear”. I briefly fell into the trap of trying to please her, and got an expensive necklace. (I said: “Of course it’s not the only thing I was getting for you” – which was a lie, it was the only thing I planned to give to her – in the restaurant where we were supposed to have our date.)

We did not end up meeting on Valentine’s day (she could not). I sent her flowers, and luckily was able to give back the necklace.

We split up shortly after that.

She was in pain, and wanted me to ease that pain. But instead of that, she pushed me away, by communicating from pain, and wanting me to share that pain, in order for me to change things.

The mistaken idea here is that only causing pain to your significant other will make the other person do something for you, and allow to empathize with you.

That’s not the right approach – at least with me. If something is causing me pain, I will try to shield myself from it by withdrawing.

Especially, as in this case, I’ve tried to do something nice for her and was “punished” for it.

Emotional balance is a thing which has to be worked for, but it’s worth it.

Magical things happen when you communicate without trying to cause the other person pain, but just let them see that you are in pain, and show up vulnerably.

Don’t get me started on sarcasm … I’m a sensitive soul that way.