I had matched with G on Tinder. She was very sexy and attractive, and also quite interested in me. For example, she was pushing towards having our video dates earlier, rather than later.
I quickly identified as her probably leaning towards anxious attachment.
This was not the reason I told her I don’t want to continue to date her after our second video date.
The real reason was that I lost my emotional interest in her. I have analysed the situation, and have come up with several angles.
1 “She will not increase my social status”
This is inspired by Alex Hormozi’s books (100 M $ Leads and 100 M $ Offers), where he speaks that products which increase the social status of the person (will others admire them more / give them social recognition) will work better. Also ads, etc.
As always, I’m trying to apply these ideas to other situations in life as well, in this case to dating (and trying to understand my emotions).
G is currently unemployed and learning German (I live in Germany).
She has a university degree, but during our conversation I did not “feel” her to be an educated and intelligent person in particular.
Possibly, I want my social status to be increased by people admiring the kind of girlfriend I choose – and not just for looks, but also for the brains and education.
2 She focused a lot on the “size of my companies” vs. the history, and the person behind it.
I am an entrepreneur. G also has some kind of small business (selling toys to kids). I asked her several questions about it, wanting to know how she started it, how she got the start up funds necessary, how she is able to run it being in Germany (she is not from Germany, and the shop is not here).
G’s questions about my own business were focused on the size of my company, how many employees I had. There were no questions about the history, about the challenges, etc.
This was actually the deal breaker for me. I assume, and possibly incorrectly, but I still assume it, that she is interested in my money / net worth primarily. Not my wit, my intelligence, my warm heart, my empathy, or emotional balance.
3 She “tested me”
During our Tinder conversation, G wrote “you have to decide fast, and if you want me to be your girlfriend, tell me so after three dates”. I identified that as an anxious trait / communication (anxious clients frequently want to get into relationships quickly). I told her that perhaps we should go on our first date first, and see if we resonate before we discuss such things.
Later, she admitted that she “tested me” with this. (Also, one thing which I’ve heard from another woman in a different context: “I have done this for the first time”).
This is very unattractive to me. If you must test, then do it in a way which does not endanger the relationship. I prefer to observe people over time, also ask tough questions – but be open about it.
For example, recently I interviewed a person (for a position at one of my companies), and he was sharing several negative things about former colleagues. It seemed to be a pattern. I got a negative vibe from him, and decided against continuing with him. I was able to find these things by just observing how he was during the interview, and asking questions. Instead of pretending that I want something which I actually don’t want.
Or maybe, G. actually WANTS a relationship after three dates, but saw that it didn’t go down too well with me? In that case, as well, sacrificing what you want, and then claiming it was a “test” is also unattractive to me. Either she actually wants it, and is ready for a compromise, or she wants it and realizes she can’t have it with me – and says goodbye.
But this whole “this was a test” is unattractive to me. Because it destroys trust. Now other things could be a test, too – I would have to question her communication going forward.
If you must test, do it quietly, and collect data. Data which you will anyways get from interactions with the person!
4 Conversations weren’t deep
The conversations with her focused more on “how sexy and attractive she is” vs. deeper topics. I have been in touch with another woman at the same time, and with her I have this nice conversation, which includes banter, exploring deeper topics, etc. WIth G, things stayed on the superficial level.
TL;DR: Beauty is not sufficient to capture my heart
After the second video date I realized I was not looking forward to meeting G in real life or to have another video date with her. I had reflected that I might feel different about her in a real date, but: when I do interviewing for my companies, I actually have several stages. If the phone interview does not inspire me, and I am not excited about a candidate, I don’t progress into the next stage (test working day). I decided to be true to my emotions, and say goodbye to G.
As a funny aside, G suggested for me to date her younger sister instead, who would come to Germany in a year, because “I am looking for a great man for her”. I politely declined. I felt this offer confirmed my understanding that it wasn’t about her being excited about me in particular, but possibly about the ability to “hook a rich entrepreneur”.