Toxic people

I never liked the “toxic people” moniker. It kind of seems unfair towards these people.

And then, you get the discussion, “is this person truly toxic or not?”

I think the discussion needs to be shifted, and the definition needs to become our own.

Same as different people tolerate different levels of poison, and some people are allergic to perfectly “normal” food items which others consume and even enjoy.

I think we need to define “toxic people” as “people who are consistently detrimental to us meeting our own, legitimate, needs”

For example – if you are very sensitive to criticism, and your partner uses lots of sarcasm and personal attacks – they are toxic to you.

They might be non-toxic to many other people, however.

Some people might even enjoy the sarcasm as witty!

In the end, all that matters is that we surround ourselves with the people whose company we genuinely enjoy, and who respect our needs and boundaries.

Because we respect theirs in return.

And one final thought: we might be toxic to some other people in return. Sometimes this is inevitable – e.g. if intimacy is toxic to the other person, and we naturally want intimacy from a romantic relationship. (NB: the intimacy is toxic to the other person because they had experiences in their past where intimacy got associated with toxicity, e.g. overcontrolling partners, and otherwise abusive partners … )