Navigating relationships with AuDHD partners (Autism + ADHD)

We humans are typically good at managing resources – and ensuring that resource exchange happens in a fair manner.

Relationships with one or two neurodivergent partners bring their own unique challenges, but also unique rewards.

This reframe was very important for me, specifically.

Romantic relationships are supposed to be free of resource exchange considerations and expectations … except they aren’t really. At least not for me, and I suspect for most people.

The cold one

Imagine the following scenario:

You arrive home from work, tired. Your partner, who is currently supposed to look for work, has not cooked dinner yet. The home looks like a bombshell. They blow you a kiss and say they are heading out with their friends for a cold one.

Is your first thought: “Oh, they are neurodivergent, and they really need that downtime. I should have their back?”

Or: “They have pulled that ADHD excuse one time too many. What they need is not a cold one, but a solid kick in their butt to wake them up!”

Expectations

There are some hidden expectations in human lifes; if I listen to you, you will listen to me later. If I show up for you in a situation and really put effort into this, you will show up for me later.

These expectations carry some problems:

• There are people who lack cognitive or affective empathy to some degree. An example for the first would be autistic people – once they understand that you’re hurt, they will feel empathy, but they may not decode social situations. An example for the second are narcissists – they do understand that something hurts you, but may not always feel “bad” about it / able to resonate with your emotions.
• If the expectation is for the other person to show up in a very similar way, you might not be playing to their strenghts. (In fact, possibly the reason they needed your support in the first place, is because it’s not playing to their strengths!)
• The other person might have needed your own help in a different way; or might not have desired the help in the first place – which now creates an additional burden on them, providing help in return for help which was not desired originally.

Communicating expectations and your own emotional state concerning the current situation at hand is a very important step. Also, listening to the perspective of the other person.

They may or may not be able to reciprocate. Even if they are willing and able to, it might take some time for them to retrain their habits.

Neurodiverse advantages

However, one important point remains: In the framing above, you are trying to “manage for neurodiverse differences”; you are trying to show up for your need, and communicating with the person. Over time, this may lead to the feeling of a neurodiverse person being a burden, someone who needs extra care.

Possibly like someone in a type of “mental” wheelchair, who needs special “mental” ramps provided by your patient words, for example.

This perspective can, over time, lead to resentment and burnout.

Even well-meaning partners will still have a mental calculation running in their head … is this person adding or subtracting from my life?

If they focus on the differences in situations like these, where extra communication is necessary, they will ultimately arrive at a conclusion of “sacrificing” themselves for the other person. Which is genuinely unhealthy – to give of yourself, and constantly feel that you’re giving more than you are receiving.

A brilliant in-depth article by Bridgette Hamstead – “The AuDHD guide to romantic relationships and marriage” gave me a very interesting perspective on this:

Neurodiverse people bring their own strengths to the relationship! In fact, one could see the challenges as “entry price” for enjoying the unique strenghts.

Reframing the relationship in this way re-balances it, which is really necessary to stay in a long-term relationship with a healthy adult.

It is a shift, from a certain type of values and benefits, to another type of values and benefits.

In our example, the person returning from work should see themselves and the partner clearly:

• Is the partner contributing in some ways they don’t immediately see in that situation? For example, being emotionally very supportive?
• Does the partner have empathy (possibly when the situation is explained to them)? Are they willing to make adjustments on their side?

In other words: Are they able to see me? But also, am I able to see them? Are we genuinely exchanging energy and supporting each others’ needs?

Sidenote

I highly recommend to read “The AuDHD guide to romantic relationships and marriage” for anyone in a relationship with a person with AuDHD (Autism and ADHD); it will go into deeper depth about how to navigate such relationships than I’m able to in this short blog post.