It’s not about you

I am a member of the Personal Development School, and also of it’s official Facebook group. Different members post about their lives and relationships.

A story which someone posted today (which I will not retell, to respect their privacy!) reminded me of my own situation.

A situation, in which I am with “my” DA love interest.

She will basically not reply to some questions / let conversations trail off. I racked my brain for solutions; but in the end – I quite likely have to accept that the solution is to reconsider my choice of women.

In childhood, we have to deal with our parents the way they are. There is no alternative (such as “picking other parents”). Some of us tend to transfer that to our romantic partners, and hold on to situations which don’t work for us.

In my case, I do not feel progress and growth in the connection with my DA love interest. Growth is very important to me.

I have been trying to fan the flames in my own way, but it seems that I am getting too close to her for her to feel comfortable about it.

So she restores the balance by withdrawing.

In other words, I am asking her to give me something which she can’t. (At least right now.)

But it is not about me and that I’m not showing up correctly / doing something wrong.

It is about my choice, about choosing to stay in a situation where the woman is not interested / capable of what I would like “from her”. (A mutually satisfying romantic relationship).

She is emotionally unavailable.

She is scared of opening up. By this time, I should have proven that I am a safe guy to be around, that I don’t pressure her, am accepting and respectful of when she needs time to herself.

It is not enough, because her particular programming – her past, her experiences, tell her to stay away from me.

It is not about me, it is about her own past. And I can’t change this past (at least not directly – people CAN reprogram their memories).

It is not about me, it is not about something I am doing. It is not “my fault”, it is not under my control.

The only thing which is under my control is to communicate my needs, and choose partners who will be receptive to this communication, and interested in meeting needs in a balanced, mutually satisfying way.

A marriage with my DA love interest (something which I am thinking more of these days, due to my age) seems unlikely at this point.

I truly wish her well and will continue to support her to the best of my ability. Because deep down I continue to care about her.

In a way, she is a reflection of me, of hiding from love. We are both the same.