Persisting in spite of rejection: a super power

A knife can be used to cut bread. A knife can be used to hurt other people, and to hurt yourself.

Persisting in spite of rejection

This is a habit, a thing I picked up in childhood. My father could be unpredictable.

I remember well the feeling of trust building up slowly over time with him, to be shattered by another unpredictable episode – of harsh words, or even violence (towards things, but in some instances unfortunately towards me or towards my brother). I remember walking on eggshells, feeling unsure and questioning myself a lot. Trying to figure out what I could do right, to stay safe. To stay safe by controlling him through my actions. By trying harder.

Enmeshment and co-dependency

Exactly, this.

I was using the knife of persisting in spite of rejection to stay safe.

“When rejected, try harder” the knife is whispering to me. Can you relate?

Dating as an adult

This habit led me to a pattern of becoming stuck on girls who were rejecting me. “when rejected, try harder.”

I was using the knife against myself, and in some way I was also using it against these women (annoying them).

It was not until N that I really worked on this pattern, and fixed it. I stopped chasing women who were unavailable, or had said no.

Even if I think of some of these women from time to time (e.g. a recent dating experience, with a woman who lives in Munich), chasing them is a dead-end. I realize that it didn’t work out for some reason, and the reasons are likely to persist.

The super power

Now a knife is a tool – and a very useful one at that. Imagine having to prepare food without having a knife!

We need knifes in our lives, and we also need to be using them in the right way.

In the same way, this “persisting in spite of rejection” is a super-power, when applied correctly.

The trick is – to do it sequentially, to continue to look for romantic partners (in spite of rejection), but to look for OTHER romantic partners.

To persist in spite of rejection. But to change the person you’re trying to date. To change until you match with a person who won’t reject you.

This. Instead of giving up, instead of lamenting my childhood and that it cost me years (actually something like two decades!) worth of dating time, I can accept that I got the unique gift of having this tool at my disposal. I know how to persist inspite of rejection.

It has come in useful in business. It will now, used in the right way, come in handy, when dating. I will keep going.

Photo by Daniil Onischenko on Unsplash