Boundaries in Relationships

Relationships exist for a reason. They are a form of mutual support, of being able to weather the storms of life better together.

As such they need to meet the needs of the individuals in the relationship – they need to meet the needs better, than each individual in the relationship would be able to meet them themselves on their own!

We should keep this in mind when relationships fail / break apart: this means that needs were not met! (Of course the same thing happens when people cheat – they are looking to meet their needs, e.g. for attention, being special, etc. which are not met in the primary relationship).

The biggest tragedy is, when these breakups could have been avoided by better communication.

By setting boundaries.

Setting boundaries: this is communication about what you need, and what you don’t need. What harms you, what benefits you. What you expect. What you need to feel happy in a relationship.

So important to communicate this! So difficult at times, it seems.

We may have picked up from past situations that setting boundaries was not desirable – because the people who we tried to set these boundaries to felt that their needs were threatened, and acted accordingly (by clamping down on us setting boundaries, instead of realizing that they are going for a no-win situation).

Giving up boundaries is a very ineffective thing to do.

Overgiving leads to resentment, and rising expectations from the other person.

In fact, I am working right now on commitment phobia (specifically about women), and I see that my fear of setting boundaries with women (and thereby hurting them – endangering myself this way) is keeping me OUT of relationships.

(“Fuck that, as long as I can’t set boundaries, I’m not getting into a relationship.”)

But this is a problem I’m creating myself by not setting these boundaries in the first place. By not accepting that they NEED to be set, in order to actually have a healthy relationship.

I have the right idea about not wanting to have unhealthy, boundaryless relationships. But I’m not even giving these women a chance to respect my boundaries. I just run away from them, just assuming that every woman will disrespect my boundaries (and that I can’t do anything about this).

What are your thoughts on this, gentle reader? Do you think every woman will disrespect honest boundaries? Do you think that ones who do, repeatedly, can show up for the relationship in the way it requires them to?