Misunderstandings, narcissists and malignant narcissists

Life, and interactions with other people is about a fair needs exchange.

Sometimes this needs exchange experiences friction. In these cases, I would like to propose a framework of three different categories:

1. Genuine misunderstandings / need mismatch, people willing to work on it from both sides
2. Narcissists on one side of the equation not caring about your needs
3. Malignant narcissists needing for you to lose so they can feel better about themselves.

Let’s explore the different categories in turn, with a real situation I have experienced in my business.

A person is sick frequently. This leads to business disruptions on my side, and increased costs. In this particular case we are talking about a person, let’s call her Sylvie, who was sick for about 50 % of the work time, two years in a row. In addition Sylvie took her normal paid leave, and also requested a pay raise. Sylvie was a key person in sales, and operation, and a team lead. Her sick leaves had a significant impact on the performance of the business, and additional stress was put on other team members. I also ramped up the team size, in order to accomodate for the expected shortfall of work time on the side of the team.

Class 1: Genuine misunderstandings

There are people who are less able to read social situations, as to appropriateness, and social cues.

I might even be one of them myself, probably having a degree of high-functioning autism.

The people are able to feel empathy, but they need to understand, that the situation calls for empathy.

For example, in the case of a person being sick, they might not notice the impact it has on the business.

They might genuinely believe that they are doing everything from their side to feel better, and they might be hopeful that things will turn around.

In this case, if you would speak up about the issue with them, they will be able to see your perspective.

They will be able to understand the negative impact it has on you, and they will try to work on a solution.

There might be discussions of mutual yielding / finding a compromise.

There might be apologies, and acknowledgements of the pain and hurt which is caused on your side.

Let’s take the example of someone who will get diagnosed with a chronic disease which progressively worsens.

For example, Multiple Sclerosis, an auto-immune disease of the brain.

The person will genuinely understand that their lack of capabilities is hurting the business, and they might not be able to participate in a fair exchange anymore.

They might welcome accomodations you make for them, and be genuinely grateful for them.

They might be willing to show up in other ways, to compensate for the ways they can’t show up for you.

They might even want to quit on their own behalf, as they see that it’s causing disruption to you, and that their problem starts to become your problem as well.

These are the people where you might even have a real moral dilemma on your hands, but which work with you to try and make it work, if it’s possible.

Class 2: the vulnerable narcissists, or grandiose narcissists.

These are the people which might or might not be aware of the negative impact on you.

They are not looking to hurt you on purpose, but they accept that you might get hurt, in case it benefits them.

Even if you point it out to them, they will deflect.

It is never their fault.

They do not need to change (as they are perfect, or they are victims).

They expect you to accomodate them. They expect you to change.

You will find, as you are bringing topics up to them, that you start walking on eggshells. That you become aware of sensitivities.

That, as a respectful person, you find yourself suddenly unable to have an open conversation to protect their fragile ego.

Underlying all of it, surprisingly, indeed is a fragile ego. A shame-driven personality.

Any criticism to a narcissist is seen as “potentially lethal”, an increase in shame. The feeling of shame, and their inherent internal feeling of being worthless, needs to be fought at all cost. The background of that is tribal in nature: shame is a protective mechanism to keep you within the tribe. If you are expelled from the tribe, you might literally die. Humans need other humans to survive. Shame is a warning signal, that you are risking being expelled from the tribe.

Narcissists are driven by this biological reality – they want to avoid (more) shame at all costs.

They experience things as shameful which you would not think are shameful, such as normal feedback in the course of a business operation. For example about mistakes being made on invoices.

This is, why they become master manipulators. They know how to deflect shame.

It’s never their fault – because they literally can’t accept the shame which comes with admitting mistakes.

This shame is deeply threatening to them – in their brain it triggers survival instincts.

In interpersonal situations, need mismatches happen. There is a need to give feedback on your needs, to re-align.

If you are running a business, you have a certain idea of what should happen, what you need, etc.

I posit, if there is a needs mismatch with a vulnerable or grandiose narcissist, and communication has been tried, that it’s better to let them go.

Continuing to try and communicate your point of view will lead to frustration on your side. It is a genuine waste of time.

They are locked into avoiding shame – that is avoiding all criticism, including constructive feedback.

Sylvie was, in my suspicion, a vulnerable narcissist. She thrived on pity, and the care and nurturing she received from people when she was sick.

She asked for a pay raise, on grounds of her performance for when she was there. She stormed away, when I blurted out “but you are sick all the time!” saying “now I know what you think”. She deflected a conversation about this possibly being caused by a mental situation, and explained that it hurts her deeply if people say something like that.

She did not volunteer to balance out with paid our unpaid leave.

When I let her go, she also wrote to me that “I will not be available beyond this last day, because you got access to my specialist knowledge by paying me. I didn’t want to go, it was your decision.”

I had shown up for her needs on multiple occasions in the past, yet I found it impossible to make her see my needs, and the needs of the business.

If you are in a similar situation, you might be suprised by the difficulty of making them see your point of view.

In case your point of view impacts their self-perception, or their needs, you will have a near impossible time to change their mind.

Class 3: the malignant narcissist

In malignant narcissism, the narcissist gets something positive out of hurting you.

As in the case of class 3, communication with them about your needs is impossible – they will continue to hurt you, and won’t hear you.

Narcissism as a mental disability

It helps to recast narcissists as mentally disabled people, who are not able to have empathy, and the ability to see other people’s needs.

You would not expect a red-green blind person to distinguish these colors.

Narcissists need to protect their vulnerable shame-driven core at all costs.

They will cause damage to you – either on purpose (malignant narcissists) or as a side-result of not caring, and not being able to attune.

Relationships with narcissists, whether business, friendships, romantic relationships are one-sided. It’s about the narcissist, all day long.

And there is no gratitude.

Knowing this will protect you.